Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
