Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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