i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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