I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
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And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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