alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
