If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
