Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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