At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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