It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
