hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
