I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
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