He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
