I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
