if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
