I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
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if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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