my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
