after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
