I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
