thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
