a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
