I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
