I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
