I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
