i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
