I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i wish my penis had a tongue
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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