She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
