1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
