I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together