Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.