dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
