I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
