so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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