Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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