I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
