I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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