Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
