If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
