I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
