It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
