fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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