the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
