Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My vagina just recognized that song.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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