So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
