i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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