So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize