I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
