They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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