I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
