Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your penis caused this!
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