Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
