Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
