Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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