dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
