i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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If i need to get strippers involved i will.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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